my one big idea

Recently I was asked for my one big idea for this year's schooling. What was the one thing among all the other plans that I had determined would be done no matter what, or that solved that one problem to make life run smoother? The speaker had chosen a new kind of diary for a record of certain day-to-day decisions and plans. The other mom in our trio gave her idea but my mind was roving through the corners of the empty room to find something, anything to give as answer. Nothing but dust bunnies came to my rescue. I parried and changed the topic.

Of course, since I'm talking of it now when the conversation happened weeks ago you may be sure that it's bothered me. And to be frank, the question in a different format had been asked by me, of myself many times since late winter/spring. What really are my ideas? Yes, school fills my thoughts. The plans, hopes, desires and work towards those goals. But apart from school: who am I? Do I have any real thoughts of my own? Where are my interests? Do the reasons I give for not pursuing interests hold water? Or am I just thoughtless and uninterested in life? I can hear someone telling me not to be silly and giving me examples. Or maybe someone else has similar thoughts. But I'm good at covering up what goes on inside.

There. You've caught me at a quiet, open moment. I won't go on to reveal more of those inside thoughts right now. Instead I will parry and change the topic.

I just received a book I'd ordered called a Grain of Sand by Dr. Gary Greenberg. It is beautiful. The photographs of each grain of sand are incredible. I pored over the book Saturday morning with my children and my niece and nephew. It was a beautiful time not only of reading of the wonders of sand but also of sharing the wonder with these precious children. And I get to brag because my 10 year old immediately identified three of the grains as coming from a sponge, lime and coral. I wanted to know how he knew that and he replied that it was from reading Life and Her Children by Arabella Buckley, last year's school book.

*Sigh of happiness*

And speaking of books, I have a whole new stack for this year, including my very own copy of the Complete Poetical Works of Wordsworth. I'm sure the other library patrons will be happy to hear that.

I sense in part my life is in a transition from a mother of children to a mother of growing thinkers. Perhaps this has left a void that I want to fill meaningfully instead of just with the junk that hovers at the edge wanting to be sucked in in order to exclude the meaning. The question of who I will be when I grow up has perhaps a different twist. Who will I have been when I look back?

la